Ivory Tower Iconoclast

Five Modest Swamp-Draining Proposals

How many times will naive voters fall for the old “when elected I will shrink the federal government” lie? If our Solipsist-in-Chief can’t “drain the swamp,” you can bet your last VHS Jazzercise tape that myriad new laws, middle-class tax cuts, and feeble protests will never stem the federal Leviathan’s metastasis. With that reality in mind, let me propose a five-point plan designed to make political freeloaders live like the rest of America. I can only hope their newfound empathy will ignite a drive to limit the federal government’s inexorable growth.

Article One: Remove all air conditioners (and fans) within the geographic limits of Washington, D.C. The left wants a Green New Deal; what better way to kick it off than to eradicate unnecessary energy use? Humans need heat, or they will freeze. Humans don’t need 68-degree air gently blowing on them to counteract a sweltering day. At worst, their sweat stains will ruin a few shirts. Toward that end, let’s also require federal employees to wear blue shirts from April 1 until October 31 so they can nauseate each other by looking like they just got “milk-shaked” by Antifa. I can barely stand New York City’s 66-percent June average relative humidity when I must venture out of doors. Washington clocks in at an indistinguishable 65 percent. Granted, Houston at 75 percent and New Orleans at 76 percent...

Join now to access the full article and gain access to other exclusive features.

Get Started

Already a member? Sign in here